The Ferrum Project

I’m one of the best drivers you’ll ever meet.  There’s a difference between me and the 76% or so of you out there that also believe yourselves to be better than average drivers.   For me, it’s actually true.  I wasn’t born awesome behind the wheel however.  It’s taken me countless years (ok, eight years – I’m a fast learner) to get to my Rhyss Millen level of driving excellence.   I’ve learned many things in my hundreds of thousands of road miles.   Meth addled truckers are a force to be reckoned with, ESPECIALLY if you make the honking motion out of your window as you pass by and you are no longer a five year old.  Snow storms are natures way of saying “I hate you Henry Ford, and all you stand for”.  But above all that, I’ve learned that a drivers speeding has NO CORRELATION to a drivers safety.  None. Zip. Nada.   Ok, maybe 5% .  Speed limits have much more to do with the big governments wanting to appear to do something about the oil crisis of the 1970s and the little governments needing a way to augment falling municipal income.

Ok, if you’ve been driving for any length of time, you know that no one really does the speed limit.  However, most people get at least one ticket at some point in thier time spent on the road.  It’s a driving tax we’ve all become accustom to.  Yet some of us get more tickets than others.  In my years on the road, I’ve probably amassed over $3,000 in speeding tickets.  I don’t know the exact number.  I don’t want to know, for fear of exploding in a shower of angst that would reverberate across the blogosphere.   In the past few years, something strange and delightful has happened however.  I have begun receiving less tickets.  I haven’t received a speeding ticket in over a year, and haven’t had to pay a speeding ticket in almost three.   Hopefully this series of posts doesn’t jinx my streak (that’s a technical term). Oh, and I haven’t slowed down.   Thanks to my new ride, a true sleeper of a performance beast, my driving has probably sped up just a smidgen.

So why do I speed?  It’s simple.  I’m an arrogant bastard that believes the rules don’t apply to me.  See?  I told you I’d always be honest with you.  But besides that, I also like to get where I’m going.  Quickly.  Faster than the guy ahead of me anyways.  Oh,  and then there’s the safety aspect.  Studies as early as the 1960s have shown that the safest speed to travel (as in, the least likely speed to be involved in a collision) is a few mph faster than 85% of traffic.  Since the 85th percentile of traffic on the highway typically goes between 10 and 15 mph over the posted speed limit, you’re looking at going 20mph over the posted speed limit to maintain a “safe” speed.  And in places like the great state of North Carolina, that’s grounds for an automatic license suspension.  Don’t ask me how I know that.  One only need look at the situation with a critical eye however.   If you’re going at the same rate of speed as the other drivers on the road,  that means you’re traveling besides Betsy Mascara-Applier and Joe Passionate-Cell-Phone-Talker for mile upon inattentive mile.  The longer you spend beside or behind a vacant-mouth breathing road lump with their mind on autopilot, the greater the possibility  that you’ll have a front row seat to the ensuing antics when their incessant drifting back and forth over the white dotted lines  commences in the clipping of a Cadillac.  Of course,  because traffic likes to travel in herds, your lanes of travel will be blocked (you do remember the lanes of travel concept from driving school….don’t you?) , and you’ll have no choice but to plow into the closest school bus to avoid ramming the minivan of nuns you were tailgating.  All because you didn’t speed.

Like I previously alluded, this is only the first in a three part series.   In this post, I’ll cover how to avoid seeing the flashing lights in the rear view mirror.   Of course,  every so often, you’re having a particularly extroverted day, and the friendly neighborhood police man will be drawn to your warm and sparkling personality.  All is not lost at that point however.  You can still get out of it without a municipal love note.   That will be the topic of my next post in the series.  Finally,  there will be days when Johnny Law just won’t take no for an answer, and you’ve signed on the dotted line.   You’ve got a ticket, sometimes a fine amount, and typically a date with a grandfatherly looking  guy with a black robe and a twinkle in his eye.  Yet even at this point, your bank account doesn’t have to get lighter and your insurance premiums don’t have to look like Nick Hogans.  That will be the subject of my third post on the matter.

Let’s get down to it.  How can you stave off the rear-view mirror rave scene?

1.     Be on the Lookout

Be aware.  It seems pretty obvious if you have two neurons to rub together.  Yet its the first thing drivers let slip.   You’re traveling in a glass and metal death cage at rates capable of squashing you like the more unpleasant areas of a sumo wrestlers traditional garb if things go badly, and yet you feel it’s ok to “space out”?  WAKE UP PEOPLE!  Ok, to be more specific:

• Check your mirrors.  Constantly.  Consistently.  You should know what’s behind you in all three lanes of traffic, with no more than 10 second polling intervals.  For the non-geeks, that means that you should check your drivers side, rear view and passenger mirrors, and each one should be checked at least once every 10 seconds.  It sounds like alot of work, but it’ll save you 150 bucks, when you get tired of grandma constantly brake checking you, decide to swing out from behind her and pass on the right, and then see Smokey quietly observing your road rage defensive driving from an unmarked cruiser two or three cars back.
• GET OFF THE CELLPHONE!!! If you are driving, you are operating heavy machinery.  You need your full and undivided attention.  Keep your conversations short and sweet.   I guarantee you that if you’re trying to think of something witty to say, you’re going to miss the local trooper perched on the crest of the next hill.  He won’t miss you though.  And what you probably won’t miss is the car in front of you that slams on its brakes when they notice said trooper.
• Look ahead. Far ahead.   The further the better.  You want to see everything from the horizon back to your car.  You want to see brake lights from as far ahead as possible.   If you’re behind a semi, then move.  There’s no way you can see Babylon (what Rastas call the cops) if you’re tucked up under a semi truck.  in fact, there’s no way you can see much of anything back there.  The same thing goes for SUVs and cars with tinted windows.  Guard your lines of sight like they’re worth your driving record.  You want to be able to see at least 5 seconds ahead.  Watch the sides of the road in particular.  That’s where police come from.  That’s also where deer, geese, stumbling drunks and school children originate.   Scan from left to right like you’re reading the road.  Start from the horizon as far as you can see.  Scan back and forth, then come in closer, then closer, until you’re focused right in front of your car.  Then scan your mirrors, driver side, then rear, then passenger.  Then start it all over again.  It becomes instinct soon.  Don’t worry about missing stuff happening close to you – your eye will see it and focus on it if it needs to.  It’s the stuff that’s far out you have to push yourself to worry about.

2.     Know where they hide

Being quick on the brake most likely won’t get you out of a ticket.  It may, on the other hand,  get you rear-ended.  At highway speeds, often by the time you’ve hit the brake, it’s too late.  Unless you’re Michael Andretti, Anakin Skywalker or yours truly, you just don’t have the reflexes necessary to slow down fast enough once you’ve spotted a radar gun jockey.   That’s why it’s a good idea to know the places where cops hang out.   Around these areas, it’s a good idea to ratchet it down from ludicrous speed, to merely hyper speed.  Caveat: These probably aren’t that useful for around town driving.  But you shouldn’t be going that fast off the highway anyways.  These areas include:

• Rest stops.  Cops are people.  They need to eat and do number 2.  They probably don’t enjoy driving all that far to do it.   I have nothing to back this up by my cast iron gut and my anecdotal accounts, but it seems that pull overs are much more plentiful within a few miles of food and gas.  Keep a sharper lookout for cops hanging out inside the rest area parking lot where they can blend in with the  cars of travelers taking a breather.
• Hill tops. In states that are as flat as Kiera Knighley you probably won’t have to worry about this one as much.  In hilly states though, cops will often wait just beyond the crest of a hill.  They can see you for miles in advance, but you can just see the tip of their trunk if you know where to look, and if there are bushes, you may not see them at all.  It’s a good idea to slow down a tad coming over the crest of a blind hill in any case.
• Bushes and Trees.  Roadside scrub is a prime place to look for the po-po.   Whenever entering a stretch of highway lined with trees, look for telltale openings that could lead to service roads and cozy little hiding spots.
• Highway Side Police Stations. These are the hives from which cops billow forth.  It stands to reason that some will stay close to home.  The blue signs you see saying “State Tooper Headquarters – 2 mi.” are tantamount to a “slow it down dumbass”.
• Electronic Highway Road Signs. While the cool kids may think its funny to hack these big orange signs to talk about raptors and such, Cops have long thought it funny to hide behind them, and then jump out and say “surprise!”.  They also emit EM frequencies that just so happen to set of radar detectors.  It would almost seem the highway safety department would want to desensitize radar dector users with false positives….Hmmmm.  The light reflectors on these can also be confused for a squad car.  Don’t become desensitized.  Assume there’s a cop behind each of these.
• Overpasses.  You may have noticed a trend here.  Big thing obstructing your view on the side of the road. Good hiding place.   Bad for you. Ticket. Pow!  Yeah, try to stay vigilant when going under an over pass, seeing as you can’t see through concrete and shadow to the trooper waiting on the slope on the other side.  I’ve also seen troopers hide on the downward slope on the other side of a bridge.  Not sure what they can see from there, besides birds, but I’m sure some hapless motorist found out.
• Small Counties.  If you’re ever driving in the back country and you see a sign saying “Entering Podunk County”,  this can be considered a warning shot.  If you’re then able to see the “Exiting Podunk County” sign on the near horizon without first passing the “Entering..” sign, it should be considered a warning bazooka blast.  You’ve just entered revenue stream alley.  Small counties often earn major chunks of income  through tickets, which they use to supplement their budget deficits.  Just assume that somewhere along this stretch of road, the speed limit will drop, and there will be a kind officer with a notepad.
• The Left Lane. The left lane, more appropriately known as the “passing lane” by those who aren’t idiots and therefore don’t travel 20 mph below the flow of traffic in it, should be used with caution.  If you’re going faster than traffic, then by all means, stick to the left lane, but be aware that your visibility and chance of ticketdom has increased.  Whenever possible get out of the fast lane.

3.  Know what they look for

It’s been said that the thumb that sticks out gets hammered.  I purchased my new (to me) car a year ago.  I have yet to receive a speeding ticket in it.  It’s much faster than my old chariot of fury, a dented and maligned workhorse of a Honda Civic.  A couple things changed that led to a reduction in speeding tickets.

• It DOES matter if you’re black or white. No, I’m not talking about racial profiling, I’m talking about the color of your car.  While radar guns are color blind, laser detectors are not.  Light colored cars are easier to get a speed reading on, while dark colored cars have less reflective surface for lidar operators to target.  Typically, cars are targeted on the headlights or license plate when they are darker colored, but if you have the choice between measuring a hard to target car, or getting the guy behind him, what would YOU do?  Also, loud colored cars draw attention.  You may get all the stares when you pull up in your bright yellow pinto with blue flames at the Sonic drive-in, but I’m sure the police will see you coming from miles away as well.  My current car is black. My last car was silver.  The difference is noticeable.
• Image is everything. My last car had a green door, with a silver body.  Yes, just one green door.  It was also covered in dents.  I’m sure this didn’t give officers the best opinion of yours truly.   It’s basic psychology – we’re more likely to respect a well dressed person than a poorly dressed one.  We also will let them get away with more.   So keep you’re ride washed and relatively dent free if you don’t want to elicit disdain from The Man.
• The squeaky wheel gets dropkicked.  As an addendum to the flashy color thing, there is also the noise factor.  The exhaust on my car is modified to be louder than stock.  Not illegally loud mind you.  Just “Grrrr, get out of my way, I’m angry and mommy never hugged me” loud.  It’s cool, I like it that way.  The police, however don’t.  On several occasions, I’ve been pulled over due to the noise I make rumbling by.  If I had been doing anything illegal, it would’ve probably scored me a ticket.  As it was, it just wasted my time.  Modifications that draw attention are things to be considered if you are trying to reduce tickets.

4.     Know when they look

Police can’t write you a ticket if they aren’t on the road.  Speed and red light cameras are a different story, but we’ll ignore those for now.  So when are best times to travel to avoid cops?

• Midmonth.  No matter how many police departments deny it, there are an equal number that admit it.  Police departments have ticket quotas.  Some cops fill their quotas at the beginning of the month.  Others do it at the last minute. Either way, there’s probably going to be a lull mid month when the eager beavers are resting, and the lazy ones are eating…pastries?  What do cops eat anyways…
• After Midnight.  As I said before, cops are people.  People tend to not be nocturnal.  There are fewer cars on the road in the middle of the night, and thus, fewer cops out there writing tickets.  That doesn’t mean that there are no cops on the highway at 4am, so you can pretend your Dom Torreto and live your life a quarter mile at a time.  Less cops just mean less tickets.
• During the Week.  Cops realize there are more drunk douchebags on the road during the weekend, and are out in force looking for them.  Holiday weekends are especially lucrative for the speed trap brigade, as there are more cars on the road in general.  During rush hour, cops typically have more important things to worry about, like moving the wreckage  of someone who couldn’t handle the break neck pace of rush hour traffic.  They typically don’t slow down traffic further with pull overs.

5.     Countermeasures

There’s alot of cool stuff out there for a gadget freak  if you’re trying to avoid getting tickets.   Sadly, they aren’t cheap.  And my experience with them hasn’t been the best.  In fact, my driving record has drastically improved since my radar detector was stolen.  I haven’t gotten a single speeding ticket since.  There are plenty of sites you can go to that review this sort of thing.  I recommend Guys of Lidar as they always provide great research.  I know some people who swear by Laser Jammers.  These devices work by confusing  laser guns so they return an error and the operating officer can’t get a good reading on you.  While apparently effective, they are far from cheap.  They are also one of those things like Salvia or miniguns – most people are pretty  sure they should be illegal,  so even though they aren’t, you’re gonna have a hard time explaining that particular fact to the cops when you’re eventually pulled over for thinking you’re invisible.  That’s the hazard of all counter measures in a nutshell.  When you think you’re undetectable, you let your guard down.  And when you let your guard down,  Crockett or Tubbs are right there to give you an expensive reminder of why you shouldn’t.

So there it is folks, a quick and dirty guide to avoiding being pulled over.  What you do with this advice is your responsibility.  I can not be held liable for yada yada, so on so forth.   This is not an admission of guilt.  Except the guilt of being a dirty speeder.  Yeah, that keeps me awake at night or whatever.  Let me know what you think of this advice, and if I missed anything.  If you’ve made it down this far, you probably have some strong feelings one way or the other about this subject.  I welcome the feedback.  Look out for the next installment.

Flak jacket: On

-Ironman out